I try not to think about myself getting hit by a car too much

because my thoughts have a scary way of manifesting into reality!!!!!!!!!

When I was 18, I made friends with an older girl who I will call Tina. I had never met someone like Tina before. I distinctly remember wondering if perfection ran in her family.

It did. “Tyler”. And I found him very attractive and sweet. But the same day I met Tyler, I met his girlfriend, “Tara”, who I also found to be quite wonderful.

Moving forward, I began to spend a lot of time with Tara. She was very Cool Girl coded— older, more fun, wittier, prettier, and more captivating than me in every way. I had her model for me and she remains one of the most gifted models I have ever had in front of my camera.

Every so often, Tara would bring Tyler along to our get-togethers with Tina. I mostly avoided him because I liked him and he made me nervous and he was my friend’s boyfriend. I swear.

But he started to privately message me after these get-togethers telling me he had a great time with me. Inviting me to meet him out (I did not). Asking me about how my day was going and trying to engage in casual banter.

I pretended like it wasn’t happening because the idea that he would be attempting to make a move on me when he was dating the Goddess that was Tara seemed laughable to me. She would laugh in my face if I had told her, I knew it.

And I also guess it was easier to. I opted to ignore it, which can be my go-to defense when feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

Like at 15, I woke up in the middle of the night to someone attempting to open my locked window. Home alone, I called my mother, who was staying at her boyfriend’s apartment, thinking she would come home or call the police, but she accused me of lying and hung up on me.

As I heard the intruder successfully open our living room window, I convinced myself it wasn’t really happening and I fell back asleep.

My mother later found out from my bio-dad that it had been him rummaging for his old things. She never apologized.

In Tyler’s case, I also felt like it was somehow my fault because I felt I had manifested his affection towards me (I probably did.)

I try not to think about myself getting hit by a car too much because my thoughts have a scary way of manifesting into reality.

After watching "The Secret" at 14, I hopped on the school bus the next day with a strong belief that my crush, an older neighbor, would deviate from his usual routine and sit next to me - something he had never done before. Surprisingly, he not only took the seat beside me that day but also talked to me throughout the ride!!!! I was still relatively new to the state and no one ever talked to me on the bus!!!!

Anyway, whenever Tyler messaged me, I maintained a facade of normalcy and casually deflected.

“I had a great time with you both!”

But I think Tara eventually found out he was contacting me. I don’t know how to explain it but I think she did. I do wish I had been open and honest with her but Tyler was addicted to heroin and when he wasn’t trying to mess around with me, he was messing around with other girls. Tara stayed with him for years.

I moved away a year or two after I met them all. After my move, I posted a silly Facebook status telling everyone I had a secret. Tyler privately messaged me asking me what my secret was.

I told him “I’m gay!!!!!!” and that was the last I ever heard of him